Thoughts of Donor-conceived Children of Gay Parents in Their Own Words

by Katy

As stated, ad nauseum, here, there and everywhere my objection to institutionalizing gay marriage is grounded in protecting the rights of children.  Human beings have a right to their mother and father and we are designed to long for a relationship with both of our biological parents. There is no denying same-sex attracted parents can be great parents, my mother totally rocked.  The problem, that I will apparently have to reiterate for time immemorial, is not the gay parent but rather the missing parent.

Childhood can be rough. We can all attest to that, no? Add the loss of a parent and the pain is exponential. Be it death, abandonment or your standard issue divorce, it spells trauma for the kiddo.  Even without the mountains of research to that effect, the honest eye can see how detrimental the loss of the every-day relationship with both parents can be. Statistics indicate that many you lovely readers can relate to this very personally.

But wait! There’s more!

Now we have entered the Brave New World of third-party reproduction. Now we just make it more sanitary for children to experience loss. We simply manufacture them with the express intent to deny them a relationship with one natural parent! None of that messy relationship stuff required. The social scientists are going to have decades of job security as the children from such origins come of age.

It can be easy to sympathize with the parents who have often chosen this method of creating a family because they are single or have entered into a non-reproductive relationship. The adults will talk about how desperately they want children. “Won’t the children be so happy because they were wanted?”

Nope.

Turns out it’s not all sunshine and roses because when these children are free to speak honestly, and in the case of children of gay parents that means anonymously, it’s clear that their missing parent is critically important to them.

AnonymousUs is a place where donor-conceived persons can be completely blunt about how their origins have impacted their lives. A place where kids don’t have to worry about toeing the line or hurting their parent’s feelings.  It’s anonymous and that makes for brutal honesty.  Below you will find every entry, unedited, where donor-conceived children report having a gay parent.

Read ’em. It’s raw and hard.

Then come on back and look me in the eye and tell me that children are not hurt when they are raised without their mother or father.  Truth is, wanting your mother and father is one of the most universal human longings.

Children conceived via third party reproduction and placed with their same-sex parent at the time of birth are marketed as the “gold standard” when it comes to samples for studies on gay parenting. They haven’t had to suffer the distress of divorce, death, or abandonment so, obviously they are unscathed. Not traumatized. There are no “other” parents hanging around to disrupt the gay family. These children have only ever known their “two moms” or “two dads.”  If love really does make a family, then these kids shouldn’t be bothered by missing their mother or father as long as they are wanted and loved, right?

Not according to these kids. Not even close.

Just figured out my uncle is actually my father, and my mother is my aunt. Date Submitted: February 15, 2015

I’m female and 16-ish. I have gay moms (well had, they’re divorced and remarried, but they’re still cool and all). They wanted to basically pretend (in a sense?) they had a biological child together since it’s impossible for gay couples to have kids. So they asked my uncle (father?) for sperm and he donated. I always knew I came from donated sperm, but I thought (hoped) it was some stranger or something , so then I could find him, meet him, and seek him for mentorship from him in my college years. And it can be like when adoptees meet their birth parents. I had no idea it was a relative. When I asked my mom for info about my donor, she said it was. It feels weird and incestuous and NOT cool. My mom tried to make it seem “cool” but it just seems wrong and gross. Who the hell does this? Just ew. How could he just pretend I wasn’t his? We have family reunions and stuff, and he just calls me “niece”. I’m his daughter. How can people just pretend their kids aren’t theirs when they decide they don’t want them? Is that how it works now? ‘Oh I got some half-babies left, let me just give them away to this person’. What the hell!

For all you complainers, at least your donor didn’t just flaunt around in your life and pretend he wasn’t your dad. At least he didn’t spoil his daughters, and post pictures of them on Facebook, but not show up to your graduations and school functions and Father’s Day because he’s basically disowned you to make his sister happy. “The people who want you are your parents” is just bullshit. It’s just shit people say so they can have an excuse to give away their children. You can’t just decide you want to raise some of your kids, and donate the others. What the fuck? What about me? I feel like a freak show, and I don’t hate gays, I loved my moms and I appreciate they wanted me, but if they loved me why the hell didn’t they consider how I felt about all this stuff? Are there any other Cryo babies from gay people who feel like a freak? I don’t know anyone else who has lesbian parents or donor sperm. It’s very lonely. http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1830

 

@kids who have gay moms on this site, just like me! Date Submitted: February 15, 2015

Thanks, thank you thank you so so sooo much for sharing your stories. I’m the girl with the uncle who’s actually my dad. I just posted my story. I honestly thought I was the only girl of two moms in the universe that kinda sorta wanted a dad… It’s been painful but i haven’t told anyone like not even my bestie.

I don’t tell anyone about this cos I don’t want anyone thinking that gay people are bad parents or that my moms are bad parents. People don’t understand… They just don’t understand how complicated things are at home. My moms are awesome, and it’s not their fault they’re gay. They can’t help it. I mean why would anyone ‘choose’ that? It’s stupid for people to think that people ‘choose’ to be gay, and gay is a choice. It’s totally not.

I feel bad for them sometimes. The anti-gay bigots don’t want them to be happy and get married, and my grandparents reject them and think their marriage is wrong, and they’re going to hell (but I guess it doesn’t matter now because they’re divorced and they have new partners), It’s so sooo unfair. If I have a gay child, I would love them so so much, and I would protect them from bullies and bigots. All my moms want is to have a baby, and have a biological family like everyone else. So I always thought what a terrible bitch (yes bitch) I am to destroy their happiness too, because I wished I just had a dad in my life and not a donor fake uncle. You have no idea how lonely and guilty I feel about this, but maybe you do? I feel like a bad child, especially when I look on TV and I see the good kids of gay parents say they have the perfect family and they don’t need a mom or dad, but you’re all like ‘but I want a dad…sometimes?’

Thank GOD for this site. It’s so nice to have a a safe place to talk about these heavy things…http://www.anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1831

 

I have two moms Date Submitted: February 5, 2015

I have two moms and it sucks. My dad was a donor and I’ll probably never meet him. Anyways, I’m now at the age where it really sucks to be the only guy in my house (I have a sister along with my two moms). Oh, also, they’ve been divorced since I was three and still don’t get along. Neither of them understand how to give me some space every now and then. They don’t get it when I just want to hang out with my friends and not with them all the time. Honestly, I hate it. I hate everything about not having a dad or at least a brother in my family. Even if my sister was even a little fun to be around, it would be better. I have nothing in common with her, and even less with her birth mom who I do not get along with at all. If it was just me and my birth mom I’d be a lot happier. She is the only one in my family who really cares about me and who really likes having me around and I like being around. My other mom’s side of the family is so cynical and mean to each other, and just being over at her house gives me bad vibes. http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1817

 

The beautiful story of J and L Date submitted: January 7, 2015

My story is unique to say the least, but who’s story isn’t right? I am the product of a same sex couple who conceived me through a sperm donor. I am the only child of my Mom( birth mom ) and Nommie (other mom). My moms split up when I was 4 and my birth mom started dating a man who would later father my younger brother, her boyfriend and I are still very close and I even call him dad. Well I am not the only child of my sperm donor, I have a sister named L. Growing up I didn’t know she was my cousin until age 8. As L and I got to see each other more and more we became closer than either of us could’ve ever imagined. L is truly my other half and she completes my life and has added such beauty and radiance to my life. She is wonderful down to her core and I wouldn’t want to share DNA with anyone else. We do have other siblings from our donor but we don’t know how many, but we’re okay with just us 2 for now. So flash forward to 2014, L and I are both on the verge of turning 18 and graduating high school, and through a series of people knowing people, L got in contact with our sperm donor who we had previously only known very little about. We hadn’t known his name even. She told me he would be flying to us from England in a few weeks and it was finally going to happen, we would meet him. A few weeks flew by and there L and I sat in Old School pizzeria waiting to meet the other half of our DNA. We held each others hands and tried to hold back tears of complete excitement! We had never seen a picture of him, but when he walked in we both knew. He walked right to us and gave us both a hug right away then sat down. It took all of us awhile to process how much L and I physically looked like him. We all had the same eyes. We all spoke similarly and had common interests. We got to spend two days with him and it was completely life changing for all of us. L and I still keep in contact with him and he is such a wonderful person, I couldn’t be more thankful that he helped create me and my sister. To this man I am forever grateful for my life and my sisters. We met him twice and both of us loved him already. This is just a somewhat summary of the events, but there are no amount of words to describe how absolutely surreal and beautiful those days were.  http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1788I

 

I’m the  product of a my mother’s egg and a sperm donor Date Submitted: October 12, 2014

I am the daughter (not biological) of two moms. I love them both sooo sooo much but there is not a day that goes by that i didn’t wish i had a dad. it is very hard for kids like me that are different. no matter how accetping society is. i have men in my life my moms’ friends but it is not the same. I love my parents but I don’t agree with the fact that I will never know half of my biology or my siblings. I will never do that to a child. If I can’t have them, I will adopt. I hope more couples, gay and straight, consider adoption and foster care. http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1729

 

Love is Hate  Date Submitted: July 13, 2014

Love Is Hate: this story was written a couple years ago and a lot has changed. I’m not going to change a word, not even the errors. I was raised by gay parents who always told me love makes a family and love is all there is and the only thing that makes them gay is love. Well that was a lie cuz I learnt that gay is a sex orientation. They might love each other they might not but the one thing that gays do is they have gay sex. I came home early when I was little saw them and I ran away and got sick in the yard behind the bushes. My Moms always made a big deal about the kind of people who are bigits who dont accept them. Those people are against love so I knew all about that. They always said that part of the family we never see is because they are haters who hate us because they hate love. This was always so hard for me. No cousins or Granparents when everyone else had them except me. I fantisized of meeting them but my Moms said contact was impossible. I knew the kind of things that happend in the world. I was glad they protected me. Little did I know it was all a lie. My Moms always made a good image. Smile everybody and pertend to be happy that was our family motto. But I didnt feel happy every time I came home from a friends house and saw how diffrent it was in their homes. My best friends dad was the greatest guy he was funny and nice and always taking us places. He listened to us. I was jealous of my friend and wrote the word Daddy on a peice of paper and put it under my pillow. I wanted a Daddy like my friend had. My friends family all knew how much I liked their Dad cuz I was always asking if I could help him. One day my friends mom asks me are you a Daddys Girl? It means you are the kind of girl who realy loves her Daddy and is real close to him. Well I went home and cried becuz I dont have that and never will know what thats like. Now here is the biggest point of my whole life and I still cant believe it happend. Best random ever. I met my own cousin. Its a long story how that happened but we were both in the same camp. I was so freak out cuz I thought his family hated me. Well my eyes were open up and I knew. I was lied to. My cousin was the best. I met my Aunt my Uncle my other cousins too. My Moms but they were away on their trip so they never saw them. After they knew about me they drove there every single night. Family can come after dinner for camp fire and every night we spend time together.Then came the epic moment I met my very own Granparents. Wow I just cried and hugged them and they cried and hugged me and guess what they were not haters. They were so awesome I felt something I never felt before Just the kind of family I always dreamd of. They wanted to know me all these years just like I wanted to know them. The last day of camp was the last time I saw them and I never wanted to let them go. After I got home I dream they would come for me but they never did. Never call me or write me. I hate my secret family for abandon me. I am so frikkin mad at my Moms for lying. I hate them for what they did. But I love them too cuz they are the only Moms I have the only family I known. Now I dont know what to believe and I think contantly about my secret family why they dont write or call? I think what my Moms said about them but I remember how much I loved being with them and one thing I know is I know they are not haters. But they should not of just let me go like that. So now I am the hater who hates everyone.

The above story was posted on The Experience Project and I was asked to share my story here, and I shared it with all of it’s drama and emotion. A few years later I have a different perspective. Someone asked me what if… two Moms co-raised me with two gay masculine acting dads who’d live next door? One would be biological, the other would basically adopt me as if you were his own.  Its a beautiful idea and I wish the best for anyone who loves their children so much that they would be willing to do this. Whoever thought of that has a lot of love in there heart and they were clearly thinking of how it would be for the kids. I wish someone had thought of me with so unselfishly. I have forgiven my Moms for lying. I suppose they were trying to protect me in their own way but really I was cut off from a lot of people who just wanted to love me. I have learnd we don’t have to approve of eachothers sexualty to form communities in the world. I spent a year working on green co-op farms and it didn’t matter. I am still drawn to older men, fatherly types. Still searching for the Daddy I will never know. You cannot just donated your sperm and walk away because there is so much more to you than a biologcal contribution. When you walked away you denied me the chance of ever knowing you and loving you, and you denied yourself the chance to know and love your child.  If you donated sperm about 18-20 years ago to two gay women, I could be your daughter. The movie Delivery Man with Vince Vaugh is about a man who meets his sperm donor children as adults. I cried and cried and cried. It was sort of a healing but it also brought the pain up to the surface again. I know he is out there, I can feel the pull. What am I supposed to do with that?http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1708

 

Child of lesbian parents Date Submitted July 17, 2013

I have gay parents. I spend most of my time at my best friends house. I hang out with her Dad cuz I never had one and he is this awesome guy. My friends Dad is a lot like Charlie from Twilight! I cried when I read about Bellas father in the books and in all his scenes in the movies. Mostly at my friends house it feels like I can just be myself. Someone has to say it cuz I dont hear it but gay parents are selfish in a way. They dont think what its going to be like for me to live in their world. Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I a bad daughter because I wish I had a Dad? Is there anyone else who has 2 Moms or 2 Dads who wonders what it would be like if they were born into a normal family? Is ther anyone else who wants to be able to use the word normal without gettin a lecture on what is normal??? I dont know my real father and never will. Its weird but I miss him. I miss this man I will never know. Is it wrong for me to long for a father like my friends have? She has two brothers I play basketball with all the time. It feels so amazing to be included in their family. When I am there I think this is what its like to be in a family that has a Mom and a Dad. Then I have have to go home to my own world. I just dont fit in it anymore.  http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1554

 

How can I find my dad? Date submitted: March 16, 2014

I know nothing about my dad. And for some reason the past 3 years that’s all that’s been on my mind. Its getting worse, that its to the point where any older man I look at I day dream about. I even write stories about it, or even rewrite books that have to do with father and daughter stuff. I know I must sound crazy to you guys but I just cant help feeling that way. I’ve seen “What a girl wants” so many times I know all the scenes and the words to the whole movie. It doesn’t help any that my mom is gay, and freaks out every time I try to bring it up. She wont tell me anything about him. Its like she wants to be my dad, and she wants her girlfriend to be my mom, they want to be this big happy family. But we cant because its wrong, it even feels wrong. I want my mom to be the person I talk to with boys not the one to hate them. I want her to wear dresses and date guys. I want a father figure that is a guy not a woman. Please help me anyone. http://anonymousus.org/stories/story.php?sid=1648#

Original Source:  Thoughts of Donor-conceived Children of Gay Parents in Their Own Words 

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